The Bungles

Issue: Since you are from Cincinnati, and you are a Bengals fan, does that mean I have to read about them?

Short Answer: Yes.  It does.

Reasoning: Because they piss me off.  The end.  Totally kidding.  It is because the rest of the football watching world cannot possibly understand what it's like to be a Bengals fan.  Alright, I will give some deference to Lions fans out there (anyone?  anyone?).  The latest in the long line of colossal mistakes by the Bengals front office (re: Mike Brown) is the hiring of Jay Gruden as offensive coordinator.  Jay played football in the Arena League and coached in the Arena League.  His only NFL experience came...wait for it...in Tampa Bay, under his brother Jon.  Let's be honest, having Jon Gruden as an older brother is really what Jay is known for.  Which got me to thinking...have the Bengals ever engaged in nepotism before?  And, how did that turn out for them (thanks to Mike P. for the idea - swiped it from his Facebook status)?

To clarify, http://www.dictionary.com/ defines nepotism as "patronage bestowed or favoritism shown on the basis of family relationship, as in business and politics."  I believe the Bengals have engaged in this practice a time or two, with Jay Gruden being the latest example.  Let's take a look at some others, ranked from least egregious to most egregious:

1. Katie Blackburn - She is the daughter of Mike Brown (we will get to him later) and the Executive Vice President of the Cincinnati Bengals.  I'm not sure what the Executive Vice President actually does, except, you know, help promulgate a losing franchise.  Actually, what she does do is act as the chief negotiator for the Bengals.  She did go to law school (as did I) and she did probably take a class on negotiation (as did I - it was called "Alternative Dispute Resolution") and her last name is "Brown" (in Cincinnati, that is not a good thing (no offense to someone out there with the last name "Brown" who is NOT related to this family)), so that means she (like I?) is qualified to negotiate professional football contracts, right?  Wrong.  She does fall at #1 on the list (meaning the least egregious) because she never shows up negatively in the news.  Oh, except for the one time she admitted rooting for the Steelers in the playoffs.  Alright, she sucks.
2. Jordan Palmer - You know you suck at football when this is what your Wikipedia page looks like.  Sad.  For you non-Bengals fans (probably most everyone by now), Jordan Palmer is Carson's brother, and the Bengals back-up QB.  He lead UTEP to one bowl game in 4 years as the starter.  He was drafted by the Washington Redskins in 2007, got cut, signed with the Arizona Rattlers of the Arena League, then signed with you-know-who after the 2008 season.  His career NFL statistics*: 10-15(!) for 59 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT, 4 sacks, 1 rush for 4 yards.  Yes, this is the Bengals back-up QB.  Welcome to the hell that is being a Bengals fan.
3. Dave Shula - Dave is the son of former coach Don Shula, who many consider one of the greatest coaches ever (he lead the 1972 Dolphins to an undefeated season and Super Bowl Championship).  Since Don was so good, obviously his son would be good, right?  So wrong it's not even funny.  The parallels between Dave Shula and Jay Gruden are actually quite scary.  Jay Gruden got his start because his brother hired him in Tampa Bay; Dave Shula's first job was under...wait for it...his father Don in Miami in 1982.  In 1989, Jimmy Johnson hired Dave as Offensive Coordinator, but after two years on the job, he was demoted.  So, what did the Bengals do?  Hired him as the Assistant Head Coach in 1991, and then gave him the Head Coach job in 1992, at age 32 (watch out Marvin, looks like Jay Gruden will be the Head Coach pretty soon).  The Bengals, not surprisingly, went 19-53 during the Dave Shula era - and average of about 4 wins a year.  Everyone knows the Bengals were terrible during that stretch, but, realize that Dave Shula had no business running the show in the first place.  Which leads me to...
4. Mike Brown - The biggest idiot in NFL history.  He is the son of legendary football-man Paul Brown, who is credited with the founding of both the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals.  Allow me to let Geoff Hobson, the official Bengals beat writer to explain more about Paul Brown**: "Paul Brown has to be on the Mount Rushmore of NFL coaches. From 1946 to 1955 he led Cleveland to 10 straight championship games in two leagues. Not only that, he founded two teams, the facemask, playbooks, the draw play, year-round coaching staffs, and the 40-yard dash while putting the word 'Pro' in 'Football'. Three years after giving birth to the Bengals he coached them into the 1970 playoffs for the quickest postseason bid for an expansion team until the Jaguars and Panthers emerged in the '90s with an unlimited checkbook."  No one, and I mean no one, is heaping any like-praise on his son, Mike Brown.  I typed "Mike Brown" + "Bengals" into google and http://www.mikebrownsucks.com/ was the second result on the page.  Nice.  Mike Brown's record as owner/GM?  114-205-1.  Solid.  Brown's teams have never won a playoff game.  The Bengals have finished over .500 twice under Brown (since 1991!), meaning they have only made the playoffs twice during his tenure.  The Lions have made it 6 times during that same stretch.  Brown was the fastest owner to 200 loses, and, the slowest to 100 wins.  Since 1991, 13 teams have started 0-8 - the Bengals have done it 4 of those 13 times.***  The only way the Bengals are ever going to change is if Mike Brown steps down, which we know won't happen.  I guess Bengals fans will have to wait until he takes a dirt nap.  I don't wish ill on anyone, but I am tired of losing.  Let's hope Jay Gruden ends this trend.  Oh, and Fah Q Mike Brown. 

*Taken from NFL.com.
**Taken from bengals.com.
***Most stats taken from this Brown-bashing article.