Feds to Change Rules of Golf

Issue: This has to be a joke, right?

Short Answer: Yes.  And a funny one at that.

Reasoning: As some of you may know, golf is pretty much my life.  Well, my life when I'm not working or when it's freezing outside.  I'm obviously kidding, since I would drop whatever I'm doing to go play golf, and I have played in a near blizzard.  Until you whack that little ball around for 18 holes, you will never know how fantastic a game it actually is.  In no other game is the opponent oneself, as much as it is in the game of golf.  If one plays well or poorly, he only need to look in the mirror.  It seems as though that is a microcosm for life.  Well, it used to be anyway.

Without getting into any political discussions on a sports blog, allow me to share with you the new rule changes that our Federal Government, led by one Barack Hussein Obama, are going to make to my beloved game of golf.  *Sigh*.  I give up.  (I'm not sure who wrote this, so I can't cite it, but thanks to whoever did, because it's hilarious.  And very relevant.):

President Barack Obama has recently appointed a Golf Czar.

Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective January, 20 2013.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2716 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes:

Golfers with handicaps:

• Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
• Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
• Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:

• Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
• Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
• Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.  In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round.  Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.  Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again .

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.  This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every Player above an 18 handicap will post only "net score" against every other player's "gross score".

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.

This is the "Right thing to do."  So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under par, you didn't shoot it yourself. Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.

I think I speak for all single-digit handicappers when I say that this is complete crap!!  SUB-10 HANDICAPPERS UNITE!!

A Good Walk Spoiled?

Issue: Read any good editorials lately?

Short Answer: Funny you should ask...

Reasoning: I figure most of you are sick of reading some of the things I write.  I know UC fans are.  So, when I read something that I like, I will start posting it here, so my readers can get a break from me (and, some may say, to have something worth reading on this blog).  The following is an editorial written by Paul Daugherty of the Cincinnati Enquirer.  His editorials are a must-read on a daily basis.  This particular piece is about golf, which is beyond a huge part of my life.  Please don't fret non-golfers!!  This piece may actually give you some insight into what makes golf-fanatics, golf-fanatics.  Enjoy!  (Thanks to my boy Krig for sending this to me).

Doc: The reward for death is an appreciation of life
Written by:
Paul Daugherty

Whoever said golf was a good walk spoiled didn't know what he was talking about. He also believes chocolate cake is a waste of sugar, dogs are man’s best reason to get a cat and beer means too many trips to the head. Golf is a walk in the park, often literally, all the time. What other sport combines skill, patience, confidence and hiking? I don’t take pictures while I’m playing softball, unless the other team is all female. 

I took a few yesterday, while playing 9 at the legendary Hickory Woods. The sun sinking low, its rays refracted through a prism of trees. The interplay of light and shadow, as clouds the color of a thigh bruise passed through to some more permanent residence. Cleveland, probably. At precisely 428 pm, the light was of that fragile, melancholy and brittle state that so characterizes this time of year. I snapped a phone-photo of the trees and the sky and the world, reflected in a pond bestride the 5th fairway. 

I don’t like this time of year. It is a time of dying. My mother died in the fall, when I was 8. Colors all fade, the earth contracts and shivers. Even on the brightest days, the light is thin. It gets dark so soon. I struggle to find beauty in anything. I know what’s coming. It holds no promise. 

The reward for death is an appreciation of life. It’s probably why I’ll never move from here. At least not permanently. I never want to take a sunset for granted. I’m afraid if I settled on the west side of Florida, close to gulf sunsets, I’d stop going to see them. Now, when I’m down there, I never miss a sunset. I mean, never. 

Hickory Woods was empty yesterday at 3, when I teed off. In fact, I was the only player on the entire course. For 11 bucks, I had my own private club for a few hours. There is a solace on the golf course that cannot be duplicated. I am not one of those people who goes to the links to escape my problems. If I’m having a lousy day off the course, I’m going to have a lousy day on it. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I’d finished a book chapter, I’d worked out. It was 51 degrees on November 26 and I was playing golf. 

If you don’t play, you won’t know the joy of a silent afternoon in the epilog of fall, interrupted only by the pure sound of a shot well struck. You won’t find peace in walking with 25 pounds of equipment on your back, watching a red fox cross the fairway 100 yards ahead of you. You won’t hear the wind provoke a scurrying of leaves, winter’s advance men, or notice the whiteness of a sycamore’s bark, and the way its limbs bend over a pond, as if in prayer. 

I’ve played lots of sports, if only a few competitively. They all have their pluses. None is a meditation, though. Not like golf. The walk, the hike, the sights and sounds. The good connection to the earth, one step at a time. 

The front 9 at Hickory is fairly connected to the man made. Houses don’t intrude on the serene, but they’re there. The road into the place bisects the 5th green and 6th tee. The back-9 is more provoking of reflection and gratitude. But there are places on the front where you can stop and behold what’s good. 

Number 2 is like that. It’s an uphill par-3, 160 yards from the blue tees, through a narrow corridor of trees to an equally slender, if long, green. I slapped a 27-degree hybrid that started straight, then faded just enough to catch the right slope and bounce to the edge of the woods. If you play one course enough, you know it the way you know your child’s face. I knew exactly where my ball was. I drew the 58-degree wedge from my quiver and trudged ahead. 

That’s when I saw the buck. Fifty yards ahead, just along the treeline, a few feet from my ball. 

I stopped. He looked up. We watched each other for awhile. The sun grazed the tops of the trees, the wind made the smaller branches sway. It was quiet enough, I could hear him breathing. The world paused, long enough for me to be grateful I was in it, playing golf, walking the good earth and staring at a buck. 

Several years ago, I wrote an entire column counting the virtues of November golf around here. When the weather is passable, which is more often than you think, it’s the best time of year to play. The courses are in great shape, they’re not crowded, the faded beauty of the season lingers. That column prompted an increase in play at Hickory, which didnt do me any good, but might have kept the snowbirds around town until after Thanksgiving. 

No matter. I define golf not by the shots I hit, or the scores I make, but rather by the peace I acquire while playing it. Yesterday was special. Yesterday was a blessing and a gift. It made me grateful for having lived it. 

On the 9th hole, a par-4 of maybe 390 yards, my drive lands dead center of the fairway, but still 180 yards short of the green. That’s where I conked a 7-wood dead right and 20 yards short of where I would be if I were a good player, which I am not. I bumped a wedge to the fringe and took 3 putts from about 60 feet. Miserable. 

The walk wasn't, though. Not at all.

Original article can be found here. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Issue: So, what are you thankful for this holiday season?

Short Answer: I'm thankful that the University of Cincinnati still stinks...

Reasoning: I have written about my hatred for the University of Cincinnati many times.  I can't stand them.  It used to be all about the basketball team, but now I pretty much hate everything about them.  Their fans are obnoxious as can be.  This year, since their football team sucks (like they have every year in their existence, except one, in which they were embarrassed by Florida in the Sugar Bowl - but UC fans will tell you that not only would they have beaten Ohio State that year, they had then taken over as the best college football team in Ohio - like, forever) all the chatter is about their basketball team.  Now, I am the first to give credit where credit is due, and the UC basketball team is pretty good this year.  You won't catch me rooting for them anytime soon, but at least it makes their fans sound a little less moronic when they are actually talking smack about a team that has some talent.  Just don't forget, UC fans, that your team is led by a guy named Cashmere.  His brothers Nylon and Polyester weren't good enough for UC, so they had to settle for Division II schools.  Seriously, his name is Cashmere.  But, again, dude has some talent.  Just an awful name.

Alright, now that I got that off my chest, on to the real reason for this Bearcat bashing post.  I take you back a couple weeks ago to when Michael Vick suffered a concussion and was knocked from the game.  Coming on to replace him in that game was rookie QB Nick Fowles.  This was not news in and of itself, but when Vick couldn't return the next week, Fowles started the game for the Eagles.  (I realize you may be confused at this point, but bear with me.)  This is significant because Fowles became only the second QB from the University of Arizona to start a game in the NFL.  Shocking because Arizona has good football teams almost every year and has alumni such as Rob Gronkowski, Teddy Bruschi, Chris McAlister, Lance Briggs, Mike Bell, Antoine Cason, Chuck Cecil, Dennis Northcutt, and Antonio Pierce all who play or have played in the NFL.  The only other Arizona Wildcat to start at QB in the NFL was Bill Demory who started 3 games for the New York Jets in 1973.  Crazy stuff.  So, what does this have to do with UC?  I'm glad you asked (or, I'm glad I just asked myself).

The Wall Street Journal grabbed onto this story and published a list of colleges and how many starts QB's from those colleges have made in NFL history.  At the top of the list is Purdue.  Drew Brees, Jim Everett, and Bob Griese all help put the Boilermakers there.  Surprising, but not overly surprising.  The rest of the top 10 is also surprising, but nothing really blows your mind.  Washington (Warren Moon, Chris Chandler), Miami (Vinny Testaverde, Jim Kelly), USC (Carson Palmer, Rodney Peete), Notre Dame (Joe Montana, Joe Theismann), Stanford (John Elway, Jim Plunkett), Michigan (Tom Brady, Jim Harbaugh), UCLA (Troy Aikman, Jim Schroeder), Oregon (Dan Fouts, Chris Miller), and Maryland (Boomer Esiason, Neil O'Donnell) round out the top 10.  The surprises are the one's that fall further down the list.  T.J. Yates is the only North Carolina Tarheel to ever start a game in the NFL, and he's only started 5.  My beloved Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets have had only one former player start at QB in the NFL.  His name was Mike Kelley, and he started one game for the San Diego Chargers in 1987. And then there is the University of Cincinnati.  The storied program who can't even sell out a 35,000 seat stadium.  The historic program that has exactly 7 bowl wins in their entire history (with wins over Utah State (1997), Marshall (2004), Western Michigan (2006), Southern Miss (2007) and Vanderbilt (2011).  How have these guys been overlooked for National Championship consideration?!?!).  So, how many games have former Bearcat QB's started in the NFL?  You guessed it - ZERO.  Not one.  Shocking, I know.  I'm a little worried about how happy that stat makes me.  And here I thought Tony Pike was going to lead the Panthers to a Super Bowl.  Or not.

For the entire list, click here.  Just make sure you scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN to see where the Bearcats sit.

A Lesson in College Athletics

Issue: Do college athletes pay attention to outside influences, i.e., point spreads?

Short Answer: Yes.  They.  Do.

Reasoning: First off, I played baseball in college, and there are no point spreads or people betting on the games, so I have no personal stories about this.  I was, however, friends with plenty of basketball and football players in college, and I know point spreads were talked about: "You believe we are a 2 touchdown favorite Saturday??  We should be favored by 3 touchdowns!  Haha!"  I am not saying, for one second, that players pay attention to point spreads in order to fix games, or win bets, or keep from getting their legs broken.  But, if you are a person who thinks this kind of thing NEVER happens, well, you're wrong.  This post is not about implementing anyone in any kind of scandal.  I'm not going to tell you anything provocative.  This post won't be quoted by ESPN in some sort of groundbreaking news story. All I'm saying is, the players know exactly what is going on in the outside world.  They know how many points they are favored by or how many points they are getting.  Perhaps some coaches use it as motivation.  Perhaps Idaho was paying attention to the point spread on Saturday night...

For those that don't know, I like to place an occasional wager on a sporting event, if, for no other reason than to make an otherwise uninteresting game, interesting.  And, there may have been no less interesting game last Saturday than BYU vs. Idaho.  Seriously, I'd rather watch bowling.  Since the game started around 11 p.m. EST and I can't go to sleep before 2 a.m. EST, I decided I would make the game "interesting" and take BYU -40.5.  Yes, that's right, I took the Cougars giving up almost 6 touchdowns.  This would surely be interesting.  As the game moved along, it actually started looking good for me.  But, late in the game, BYU decided not to kick field goals, as to not run up the score, and got stopped on the goal line not once, but twice.  I was in agony.  After a late Idaho turnover, BYU drove down near the goal line again.  At this point they were winning 49-10.  A field goal and I cover, but they weren't going to kick, right?  Wrong.  Field goal good with less than 2 minutes to go.  Fantastic way to end a pretty ugly Saturday in my college football world.  Some of you may think the story ends there.  BYU knew the spread and wanted to cover it.  You would be wrong.

What happened next defies everything I have ever been a part of in sports.  It's beyond comprehension. Idaho fields the kickoff and gets a decent return.  They get a first down, and then their offense stalls (according to the score, their offense had pretty much stalled the whole game, but that's not the point).  There are about 10 seconds left on the clock, and Idaho decides to punt, and why not?  Let's get this game over with.  Let's get into the locker room.  It's freakin' cold out here.  As the punt was in the air, I remember saying to myself "just don't muff this thing".  So, guess what happens?  That's right, he muffed it.  Idaho recovers.  Still, I thought, no big deal.  They still have to chuck one into the end zone, in freezing temperatures, with 8 seconds left on the clock, in order for me not to cover the spread.  Or...THEY COULD BRING ON THEIR FIELD GOAL TEAM AND KICK A FREAKIN' FIELD GOAL!?!?  And, mother f#@ker, that's exactly what they did.  Field goal good.  Final score: BYU: 52, Idaho: 13.  I lose.

What you didn't see, and what I can't show you (seriously, there is only one video out there, and it doesn't show you what I want you to see) is the way the kicker reacted when the kick went through the uprights.  His arms were extended overhead.  He was looking over at his bench like he had just won the Super Bowl.  He was excited.  I could even picture him screaming: "We covered the spread!  We covered the spread!"  I could also picture the whole Idaho team getting hammered drunk that night (the BYU team wasn't getting drunk, that's for sure) yelling across the room to each other: "YOU SHOULD HAVE BET ON THE VANDALS BABY!!!!"  Even more likely is the head coach patting the kicker on the butt when he sent him out there to kick a field goal down 42 points, saying: "At least go out there and cover the spread."  There is absolutely no other reason on this planet to kick a field goal down 42 points.  None.  Don't tell me they didn't know.

I saw one website who did a writeup on the game, and at the end of the story describing the massacre, stated: "Idaho kicked a field goal as time ran out to end the game on a positive note."  Yeah, positive note my ass.  They covered the spread, and that's what that field goal was about, plain and simple.  I now hate Idaho as much as I hate UC and UGA.