The Wisdom of Tim McCarver

Issue: Uh, Wisdom?

Short Answer:  I was being facetious...

Reasoning:  I have to be honest.  After the Reds were knocked out of the playoffs (by themselves), my attention turned to football.  I didn't watch much of the NLCS or ALCS.  However, the World Series is different.  It's quite possibly my favorite sporting event.  So, last night, with Game 1 starting, I settled on my couch with a cold beer and a high definition television, and I prepared myself to be a bum for the next 3 hours.  Sometimes baseball can be boring (no, really, it can be), so I was thinking of a way to keep it interesting, even in the face of what turned out to be an 8-1 Giants victory.  And then it hit me.  Why not keep track of all the insanely stupid things Tim McCarver says during the game?  Yes, I will need multiple notepads and pens, but let's just see how stupid he can be.  I thought I might be able to fit a whole series worth of McCarverisms into one post, but, after only one game, I may already have too many (plus, I may not always have 3 hours to sit down and listen to everything McCarver says, thankfully).  The following is a list of quotes from McCarver last night.  They are NOT direct quotes, as I wasn't going to take the time to rewind and get it exactly right.  I would hear something, wonder if I was dreaming or tripping, shake my head and write down what I could remember.  Here goes:

• With the Tigers' young outfielder Avisail Garcia at the plate, McCarver noticed that he had his left hand (he's a right-handed hitter) down below the knob of the bat.  McCarver said "you don't see a lot of young guys with the grip off the bat like that.  That is VERY unconventional."  Oh, Tim.  First, it's called cowtailing.  Second, almost every freakin' player does it.  A lot of players actually get tapered knobs on their bats to make it easier to cowtail.  Tim just said this to say this, knowing most people would have no idea one way or the other.
• After Justin Verlander gave up an 0-2 homer to Pablo Sandoval, Tim and Joe Buck quipped that Verlander had probably never given up an 0-2 home run.  Then they checked.  McCarver: "There were 192 0-2 home runs given up this year in Major League Baseball.  NONE were given up by Verlander.  NONE.  NONE.  ZERO.  NOT ONE."  This is McCarver attempting to add drama to something that's not dramatic.  Let's do some simple math.  There are 30 teams in MLB.  Most carry around 13 pitchers in the regular season.  That is 390 pitchers, give or take.  Let's say no pitcher gave up more than one 0-2 home run.  That means almost 200 pitchers DID NOT GIVE UP AN 0-2 HOME RUN THIS YEAR.  And, in case you were wondering, Justin Verlander was one of those 200.  He gave up NONE.
• With Omar Infante at the plate, after he was way out in front of a changeup: "He tried to hook that ball down the line."  Uh, Tim, no one tries to hook the ball down the line, ever.  Hitters try to hit the ball hard, period.  Where it goes, it goes.  Didn't you play baseball??
• After Pablo Sandoval's second home run, and the cameras caught Verlander saying "Wow": "Even a 'wow' from Verlander!"  Wrong "wow" Tim.  Verlander was shocked that the ball left the yard, not at how awesome Sandoval is.
• After an unconventional double play where Delmon Young dribbled one in front of the plate, was tagged by Buster Posey, who then threw to second where a tag was applied to Prince Fielder: "Delmon Young refused to run to first.  Had he run, Posey would have had to go to second to get the force and it's doubtful they would have been able to turn two."  He didn't refuse to run, he thought it was going to be foul.  Doubtful they would have turned two?  Have you seen Young and Fielder?  That would be like turning two on the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Pillsbury Doughboy.  Pretty sure they still had time.
• After a commercial break, McCarver continued about the same play.  He explained that if Young had run, the ball would have hit him in fair territory and he would have been called out, which would have negated any chance at a double play because after it hit Young, the ball would be called dead.  McCarver: "Either way, had he run, the Tigers would have been much, much better off."  That you Captain Obvious!
• Verlander was so bad last night, even Barry Zito had and RBI single.  Immediately after, the Giants fans chanted "BARRY!  BARRY!  BARRY!"  Joe Buck commented that, even though it had been awhile, this park has chanted that before.  McCarver: "For Barry Manilow.  At a concert."  I was looking at my phone when he said it and my head shot up.  Surely that was a joke.  Even McCarver has a sense of humor.  Right?!?!  Wrong.  He was dead effing serious.  This is a guy hired to talk about baseball on the biggest stage in the world.  And he gives you Barry Manilow.  For those of you still wondering, Joe Buck was talking about that one dude who used to play for the Giants...Barry Bonds.  Duh.
• In one at bat, Pablo Sandoval accidentally let go of his bat while finishing his swing.  The bat slammed into the concrete wall by the dugout, breaking it down by the knob.  McCarver: "That is a RARITY!  How many times do you see that [the bat breaking by the knob]?!?!"  Well, Tim, you don't.  Unless, that is, a guy lets go of his bat after his swing and it slams into a concrete wall.  This guy is unreal...
• As Tim Lincecum went down to the bullpen to warm up: "Lincecum never needs more that 15 pitches to warm up.  Even when he starts."  OK, this in itself is not dumb.  And it may be true.  But, McCarver left it at that.  No explanation.  Is this common knowledge?  Does he have a source?  For the record, after the commercial break, he changed "never" to "rarely" reaffirming the fact that McCarver just made it up in the first place.
• Lincecum threw great.  For those of you who don't know, Lincecum was relegated to the bullpen late in the year after being one of the best starters in the game for the last 4 years.  In the middle of his performance, McCarver dropped this wisdom on us: "There is a 2-fold reason for Lincecum to pitch well in the World Series: 1) to restore his confidence so he can; 2) get back in the starting rotation next year."  What.  The.  F@#k?  I've got one reason for Lincecum to pitch well - to help his team win the World Effing Series.  That is all.
• As Lincecum went full count on someone, up by 5 runs: "He HAS to throw a fastball here."  Slider.  Strike 3.  Good call Tim.
• With Lincecum still on the hill, McCarver started talking about the "illusions of strikes".  Actually he said it about 20 times.  I still have no clue what he is talking about.  I even rewound it to listen again, because I was so confused.  Still nothing.  Let's move on.
• "Most pitchers are 'individual' and not 'team' guys.  By the very nature of their position.  It's a very individual position.  Nothing happens until the pitcher puts the ball in play."  I don't even know where to start.  This has to be one of the dumbest statements ever.  First off, right field is just as "individual" as pitching.  In fact, all positions are "individual".  Baseball is often described as an "individual team game".  McCarver's logic is pitchers are individual because they control the pace of the game.  Aren't quarterbacks the same?  So, by McCarver's logic (an oxymoron) all quarterbacks are "individual" and not "team" guys too.  Oh, wait, my bad, I forgot McCarver doesn't think before he speaks.  Perhaps he doesn't think at all...
• With Lincecum now dominating the Tigers: "The Tigers are having trouble because they don't have anyone in the American League that throws like Lincecum."  Tim, no one, anywhere, has anyone that throws like Lincecum.  But you'd have to actually pay attention to baseball to know that.  They call him "The Freak" for a reason.

And that is all in Game 1.  I left some things out because they were dumb, but perhaps not dumb enough.  Although, almost everything McCarver says is dumb.  You know it's bad when he makes a comment that makes sense, and it catches you completely off-guard.  Can't wait to watch Game 2 on mute.