2011: A Sport Odyssey

Issue: It is the start of a new year, so, are there any changes you would like to see in sports?

Short Answer: Abso-freakin'-lutely.

Reasoning: I love sports.  Almost all of them (I'm not much of a swimmer).  However, as our times change, maybe, so should some of our sports rules (sidenote: I know ESPN the Magazine did an article on this.  I watch enough sports to have heard announcers talking about it.  However, I did not read it.  I hate ESPN and everything it stands for, save televising sports.  If some of my ideas are similar to theirs (I really hope they aren't), it is by coincidence, chance, or the fact that they have stuck in my head due to hearing said announcers talk about them so damn much).  So, without further ado, here are some of my ideas:

1. The "timeout right before a field goal attempt" rule should continue to be allowed.  I realize this is not a rule change at all.  However, this is one of the ESPN rule changes I mentioned I have heard from announcers over and over (and over and over) again.  ESPN wants to outlaw the timeout right before a field goal attempt.  Why?  I have no idea, I told you I didn't read the article.  I can see no reason why a rule should ever be put in place to tell you when you are allowed to take a timeout.  If I am coaching, I have 2 timeouts left, and I want to use one to ice your kicker right before you snap the ball, then I am allowed.  Deal with it.  Does the 30-second timeout take too long?  Or do we not like it because it sometimes works?  If you can't call a timeout when you want, then what is the point of having timeouts in the first place?  If you don't like it, learn to deal with it.
2. End the Gatorade shower.  Permanently.  If you have ever wondered how this stupid tradition started, well, here's how.  All I am wondering is how we are going to stop it.  "Hey, Coach, we just won a game, so we are going to pour sugar water on you so it makes you sticky as hell for all the interviews you have to go do.  Oh, did we mention it's freezing cold?"  Seriously?  If I was a college coach you would be suspended for the next game (yes, I realize players could get seniors to do it, so I would have a random draw to see who gets suspended), and if I were a pro coach, I would have a fine structure in place depending on liquid used, outside temperature, how cold the liquid used was, etc.  Stop the Gatorade shower, please.
3. Pay college football players.  Most people who are against compensation say it compromises an athlete's "amateur" status.  Actually, amateur statuses (statusi?) became compromised when the NCAA decided to make millions and millions of dollars off of teenage kids.  The sport of football supports entire universities sports programs, and then some.  Some of that money should go directly back to the athlete who is making that money.  Not in the form of scholarship, but as stipend, or wage earnings.  They have earned it.  As Coach Winters (played by James Caan) said in The Program, "when's the last time 80,000 people showed up to watch a [gosh darn] chemistry experiment?!?!"
4. Lose the designated hitter.  Does anyone know why we still do this?  What's next, a designated free-throw shooter for people who aren't adept at shooting free-throws (re: Shaq)?  A designated putter for those golfers who don't like 5-footers?  The designated hitter was a dumb idea when it was implemented, and it is still a dumb idea today.
5. Create a college football playoff.  No explanation needed.  You all should know how I feel about the NCAA by now.
6. No kickoffs after field goals.  Finally one that hasn't been discussed before.  I watch a lot of football, and in doing so have heard that 1) kickoffs are quite dangerous (the NFL outlawed the wedge a year or so ago because of this), and 2) the field goal is overvalued.  My solution solves both problems.  If a team wants to attempt a 50-yard field goal (which would be kicked from the 40-yard line), make or miss, the other team takes over on the 40.  I believe it would add another level of coaching to the mix.  Late in the game with a 1 point lead on the 40-yard line - maybe it's better to punt, or to even go for it, rather than give up the ball in good field position.  How about this: if the team makes the field goal then the team getting the ball will be backed up 10 yards (to the 30), if the team misses the field goal then the team getting the ball will gain 10 yards (to the 50).  I'm starting to like this idea.  If a field goal is kicked from inside the 20, the ball will then be placed on the 20.  Or maybe the other team can choose a kickoff instead.  I have obviously not thought about this enough, but I like it.
7. Penalty strokes for golfers and their bad celebrations.  Golfers are not athletes (I can say this because I love golf).  It shows every time one of them makes a great shot or wins a tournament.  From now on, I propose that golfers be penalized one shot for every bad celebration.  So, if you win a tournament by one you better have a coordinated celebration, or, just calmly shake hands with your opponent, your opponent's caddy, your caddy, and then move on.  Collect your check and get the hell out.  Remember that chip-shot Tiger Woods made at the Masters a few years ago?  The one that rolled down the hill, stopped on the lip for a full second, then fell in?  What do you remember most about that shot?  That it helped him win the Masters again?  Vern Lundquist with another great call at Augusta ("Maybe...Yes sir!")?  Nope.  What I remember the most is the absolutely retched celebration between Tiger and Steve Williams, his caddy.  It may have been the single most awkward moment, not related to sex, in the history of the world.  Could you attempt a high five and miss by a larger margin than they did?  In front of the whole world?  I think not.  Penalty shot for Tiger.  We are heading to a playoff.

I'm sure some of these are dumb, and I'm even more sure none of these "rules" will ever be implemented.  But, I am going to the governing bodies of these sports to present my ideas.  I will.  Just wait.