Week 14

Issue: Can anyone write about fantasy football...and make it worth reading?

Short Answer: Since you asked...

Reasoning: Week 14 of the NFL season.  The first round of the fantasy football playoffs.  Let's pick up the action at around 7:00 p.m. (the time is a little hazy, as I am still in disbelief): If you told me Tom Brady was Jesus reborn, at this point, I'd probably believe you.  Has there ever existed a better week to be playing against him?  20 degrees, wind chill below zero, snow (6 inches on the ground and more falling), white-out conditions, and 50 mile-per-hour gusts.  Jackpot.  48 fantasy points later and I am beginning to think, "there is still no way I can lose this game, right?"  If you have never gambled in your life, you have no idea what it's like to have your heart ripped out by a meaningless field goal as time expires, to make the final point margin 17 when you were giving 17.5.  That is basically what happened to me on what I now dub, "crazy-ass fantasy Sunday."

You want to know how crazy fantasy football is?  Halfway through writing this post, I changed it.  Dramatically.  Right about now, I was going to bitch and moan about how Knowshown Moreno and Tim Hightower (yes, those were 2 of his 3 running backs) scored 3 touchdowns between them, in the 4th quarter, of one of the most meaningless NFL games of the year.  As I was doing that, I received a text, from the commissioner of my other fantasy league:

Commish: So, in the Arizona v. Denver game [yup, that same meaningless game that screwed me] Arizona intercepted a pass, returned it near the end zone, fumbled, then recovered [by a different Cardinal] for a touchdown.  Is it a defensive touchdown or not?

I didn't reply right away.  I jumped on yahoo.com to see how important the touchdown actually was.  The score of the game, as it stood, was 42-39 (it is pretty much a touchdown only league), and the 6 points for the defensive touchdown would make the score 45-42, i.e., it was the difference in the game.  Holy s*&t!  This is a league where the Super Bowl winner gets 600 peanuts (you know, because gambling is illegal).

Me: I think once you intercept the ball you become the offensive team [I actually have no idea if this is right or not].  Although, I think you, me, and everyone else would consider it a defensive TD.

Commish: The league says no TD because the fumble is loss of possession and another player recovered [thanks for the clarification?] I'm looking for a vote to make the final decision.  TD or not?

This is not good.  Especially since I play the winner of this game in the second round, and I would rather play the guy who has Arizona's defense (who wouldn't?).  But...trying...to do...the right...thing...

Me: If it were me, I would be adamant that it is a defensive TD.  Seems like one.  But the rule may say otherwise.

Commish: I know.  Rules are rules.  And it is bulls*&t.  I think it should be a TD too but it is written by the NFL so...tough luck [player's name who got screwed, which I am withholding].

Me: Ouch.  Tell him it ain't right.  I'd be pissed if I were him.

Commish: He is pissed and I don't blame him.  I guess I will buy him a beer or something.

Me: I will buy him a beer too.  However, he would have gotten smoked by PainfullyLargeDump [my fantasy team name...yes, I know I have a problem] anyway.

It's crazy, how crazy, fantasy football can be.  I was so pissed about losing to one of the worst fantasy teams ever assembled, and someone else in my other league gets screwed by a crazy NFL rule about fumbles and whatnot.  I can't wait until draft day next August.

And, just for the record, here is my team and the team I lost to (point total in parentheses): Him (6-7) - Tom Brady (48), Knowshown Moreno (17), Chris Ivory (4), Tim Hightower (29), Terrell Owens (2), Nate Washington (4), Vinsanthe Shiancoe (0), Chargers D (44), Garrett Hartley (8) - total (156).  Me (10-3) - Philip Rivers (19), Maurice Jones-Drew (22), Matt Forte (5), Jeremy Maclin (1), Desean Jackson (48), Anquan Boldin (4), Jason Witten (18), Saints D (27), Matt Bryant (7) - total (151).  FM(fantasy football)L.